I am thinking today of the damage I have done with words.  I am humbled by it.  I know that I have not always been a woman that Matt would be proud of.  But he is still hanging around me today and, for that, I am grateful.

I remember a time when I studied Proverbs 31: 10-31, often referred to as the “description of a worthy woman” or the “hymn to a good wife.”  I actually fell into a depression over it.  I remember calling my mom and agonizing that God would not be pleased with me because I’m not humble and quiet in my nature.  Rather, I tend to be aggressive and, sometimes, abrasive in nature.  The first part of verse 26 reads a few different ways:

When she speaks, her words are wise… (NLT)

When she speaks she has something worthwhile to say… (The Message)

She speaks with wisdom… (NIV)

I am reminded this evening that I speak via facebook.  It is not uncommon for Matt to tell me that perhaps I might not want to post something.  Fortunately, he has intercepted most of my verbal fumbles.  I am thankful for that.  However, I posted something Saturday that I have since taken down off of my wall.  I have a friend, a godly man, who gave me some gentle criticism for this post.  It was one that got quite a lot of attention.  It had already occurred to me that I might need to remove it because so many were commenting on it. 

This quiet correction from someone that I respect rattled me.  I found myself inspecting my general behavior as of late.  I was disappointed to discover that I am not always acting in a way that would make my husband proud.  It has happened occasionally that I have garnered a look from Matt that tells me he wishes I hadn’t said whatever had just passed through my lips.  He need not say a word.  I am made aware with only a glance that I have blown it.  And it’s so embarassing… I do not like to disappoint him.  The latter part of Genesis 3:16 follows:

Yet your desire will be for your husband,
And he will rule over you. (NASB)

There has been great debate over the meaning of this verse.  I have heard it said that it means that the woman will desire to control her husband, or that she will be constantly seeking attention from her husband.  I do not purport to know what it means.  I can say what it means to me, though.  I desire my husband’s approval.  I want him to be proud to say that I am his wife.  I want him to want me.  I am motivated to be the best that I can be because of him.

Thank you, Matt, for all that you do for me, but especially for helping me to become a woman of honor.

He mentioned to me today that he would still like to get something done.  I jokingly said that it had been 14 years; maybe it would be safe to have each other’s names inked onto our bodies.  His response was that I was free to get his name put into my skin but that he didn’t want my name on his body.  I feigned shock and horror.  He began to laugh and then said that you just never know what could happen…

So I’ve decided to get some random guy’s name permanently etched into my body somewhere.  Cause you never know what might happen, right?

Note:  For those of you who saw his facebook post regarding Nickelback, the aforementioned comments would be those that he was referring to.

Without giving away all the gory details, I’d just like to say that I’m not the world’s greatest money manager.  And yet, I continue to manage the money.  I would like to think that I do a fine job, but I will finally admit it: no, I don’t.  Perhaps this confession will produce a long-term change in me that will cause me to become a good manager of our money.  I’m sure Matt hopes so.

We have all read the stats that say that money is the #1 cause of arguments between married couples.  Assume that my error is of great, huge proportions and imagine to yourself what probably happened when I went to my man and confessed.  Most likely, you’d be wrong.

After a conversation that lasted, at most, 10 minutes Matt and I were laughing.  Yes, laughing.  During those 10 minutes I told him where we stand at the bank, how I think it happened, and what I thought needed to happen to recover.  He was, understandably, upset.  Mostly, though, he was just frustrated because we’d have to make changes that are uncomfortable.  I accepted responsibility for the problem and invited him to start checking over my shoulder, as it were.  The reason I am still doing the money is that he doesn’t want the job.  It’s not a fun job.

At the end I said, “Are you going to leave me?”

His response: “Only if she’s rich.”

I am 4 weeks into the semester. I have already had a near-meltdown and, I hope, a recovery. I have been successful at getting my homework done ahead of schedule in both classes so far, and I have tried very hard not to study or do homework during family time. I have NOT been successful at being alert during family time…sigh. In one class, “Clinical Laboratory Education Roles”, I have a 95% average. In the other class, “Hematology II”, I have no idea what my average is because of how different scores are weighted but I think I have a solid C so far. That is NOT acceptable to me. I am a perfectionist overachiever and I was terribly unhappy with my performance thus far. That is, until I took the first exam…

This is my first foray into the world of online education. I have been very diligent about reading everything I can to help make me aware of possible obstacles and to prepare me for the challenge of “homeschooling.” At 47 minutes into the 60 minutes of my first exam my browser malfunctioned and I lost the whole darn thing. These exams can only be accessed once. I frantically tried the back button, refresh button and any other button on the screen in an effort to recall my work. But alas, it was not to be. In defeat, and just knowing my instructor would shrug and say “Oh well. So sorry…” I emailed her to explain what happened. I had a good cry, shut down my netbook and went to bed. Where I lay awake for the next 2 hours with hematology facts pinging off of the inside of my skull.

To my utter surprise and delight, my instructor reset my exam. I had to start from scratch, but that was fine!! I was just elated that I would not have to “take a zero.” I learned later that there was a major problem with the school server and that many tests were reset that day. In my effort to make sure there would be no more technical problems (because I really did NOT want to take this test a third time) I went to the local library and sat for my exam on a computer that was hardwired to the internet. This was something I had been warned against in the literature regarding online courses: it is not advisable to take an exam on a wireless connection. Lesson learned…and I scored a 79.5%.  I have never been more proud of a “C”…

This first exam consisted of 40 questions taken from 12 chapters. Yes, I said 12 chapters. It’s not a type-o. It was incredibly hard. It covered hematopoiesis, red cell morphology, and anemias (B12 and folate deficiency, iron deficiency, red cell membrane defects, red cell enzyme defects and genetics, thalassemia, hemoglobin S and C genetics, hemolytic anemia, autoimmune anemia, and hypoproliferative anemia) and all of the genetics of the above mentioned.

The next two exams will cover malignancies of the white blood cells. Sounds a little more relaxing, but trust me it’s not. There are multiple types of each variation of white cell malignancy…

So the good news it that I’m feeling waaaaay smarter already and I can tell that I’m a better tech for sure. I am finding that I’m using a little of the overwhelming amount of information that I’ve processed in my day-to-day care of patients. So that’s encouraging.

To be continued…

So I begin school tomorrow!!  My first online classes ever.  Let me just say that the world of higher education has changed dramatically since last I was a card-carrying member!!  I applied online, I was accepted online, I conversed with my advisor the first several times online, I registered for my classes online, and was sent my bill online.  No more waiting in a giant queue in the gymnasium to find out if the person in front of you took the last seat in the class you really needed.  It’s a little awe-inspiring, actually.  I will be receiving and submitting assignments online, participating in class discussions online (my final grade rubric includes this aspect, actually) and taking exams online.  One of my textbooks is even in digital format and only cost $23 as a result.  I am pretty excited about this new adventure!!

I made my way to Jonesboro, AR, a drive of about 90 miles, on Friday for a program orientation.  All students were asked to attend, both traditional and the online group.  I am referred to as a “transitional” student because I already hold an A.A.S. in the discipline and am going to be working online toward my B.S.  I have to share what happened to me first thing: 

The first 30 minutes of our half-day meeting was a coffee and donut time (and, yes, I managed to control myself and NOT eat a donut).  I showed up about 10 minutes early and was surprised to find that I was among the last arrive.  As such, there were no completely empty bistro tables, only vacant chairs at tables where conversations were already taking place.  I procured some liquid energy and then approached a random table, asking permission to join the two women seated there.  I quickly learned that one was not a student, but rather a friend who had driven the other woman to campus.  I shifted my attention to the second lady, who would be my classmate, and discovered her name (Denise) and that she, too, is a transitional student taking one of the two courses that I’m taking.  Yay!  I’ve already met someone with whom I will be communicating during the semester.

My next inquiry had a pleasantly surprising answer.  I asked her where she lives and her reply?  Horn Lake!!  She and I live a mere couple of miles from each other!  And we’re taking the same class.  I was floored.  Out of all the people in that room it just so happens that I picked the one person most likely to help me be successful.  She, too, seemed excited by the coincidence (if that’s what you want to call it…).  Before the orientation was over we’d exchanged phone numbers and promised that we’d study together.

I am taking two courses:  Hematology II and Clinical Laboratory Educational Roles.  Hematology (or “heme” for short) competes with urinalysis as my least favorite department of the lab.  I’m really not sure why that is, either, because it’s a fascinating discipline.  Coagulation (the department of the lab which studies blood clotting) falls under the umbrella of heme and is often situated together with the heme department within the lab.  Coag is a very difficult subject, and I don’t much care for it. 

Hematology, though, is the study of the solid portion of the blood.  Red blood cells, white blood cells and platelets.  Our analyzers count those different types of cells and spit out a report that is very useful to physicians.  When someone’s report doesn’t look too good it is the responsibility of the med tech to make a blood smear on a slide to be viewed with a microscope.  I am required to know what normal, healthy red and white cells look like.  I am expected to report when I see cells that are abnormal and I am also frequently tasked with counting 100 white cells to determine their ratio in the patient’s blood (there are 5 different kinds of white blood cells, which I must know how differentiate).

The other class is a one-hour course that deals with continuing education and, I presume, certification maintenance.  Not a very interesting topic to me either.  I usually enjoy CE’s, as we call them, for the fascinating little tidbits of knowledge that I always acquire, but it is still just one of those chores that no one likes to do.  I’m sure the class will offer some interesting insight into laboratory education and will make me a better teacher when my job calls for that skill.  I do know that I will have a project due that amounts to a continuing ed module that could be presented to a group (though as an online student I will not have to do a presentation.  Yay!).

So, as you can see, I am pretty eager to get started, and now I can only hope that my coworker who promised to let me borrow her textbook will remember to bring it to work today…

There is, however, more to the trauma of this situation.  Michael is a self-employed plumber.  He has a supplier that he makes purchases from that he stands to lose if he is unable to pay.  He will be out of work for at least 3 weeks.  When he doesn’t work he doesn’t get paid.  If he doesn’t get paid he doesn’t pay the bills.  If he doesn’t pay his supplier he loses his livelihood.   Of course, one has other bills, too.  They could lose everything… As a business owner he is also not prepared to deal with costly medical bills.  Their deductibles and percentage of responsibility is very, very different than what we are accustomed to if we are on a group insurance plan.

Needless to say, aside from the physical and psychological suffering that Michael and his family are dealing with there is also a critical financial situation unfolding before them.  I am writing this post to ask you for help.  Michael is a good man, very capable and willing to take care of his family and his responsibilities.  But right now, he needs our help.  Please consider making a donation for them.  The money collected will be used to pay medical bills, household expenses, and Michael’s business supplier while he recovers so that this horrible thing that has happened doesn’t ruin their very lives.  Below is a link to a paypal account that has been established to assist the Burr family.

DONATE

Is that all it takes now?  Choosing to ignore a person who is behaving badly will get you a severe beating?  One that lands you in the ER with a broken jaw, nose, teeth, and facial bones?  A beating which leaves you without the ability to eat until your body has time to recover?  My mom always told me to “just ignore them and they’ll stop.”  Is that advice no longer good??

My friend is a kind, gentle, peaceful man who is the father of 4 beautiful daughters.  He has never been in a physical fight.  He is struggling to wrap his mind around what happened to him.  He is worried for his girls who are asking tough questions.

After chatting with my friend I, too, am left with a feeling that I can’t quite place.  This was so senseless.  He said that the establishment where he was has a video camera that caught the whole beating and that the men who assaulted him were high-fiving each other when they had finished abusing my friend.  He says he’s had several well-meaning friends offer to exact his revenge.  He has publicly rejected such favors saying that he wants no more violence.

I cannot imagine how this family is feeling today.  If it were me, I would be afraid.  I would probably never feel safe again.  I would walk around constantly looking over my shoulder for danger.  It would be very hard for me to overcome this sort of experience and live with confidence.  I will be praying for my friend.  I will pray for physical healing, emotional healing, and wisdom to guide his children during this time.

We had a lovely visit this past week with my mom, aka Grandma Carol.  She brought her dog, Charlie, with her.  That wasn’t as fun for me, but it was great for our new puppy, Nona.  She enjoyed having somebody to play with outside.  Makes me wonder about having a friend for her . . . but I digress.  Mom did a whole lot of dishes and cooked for us while she was here.  She also made it possible for me to run errands without my two younger children in tow.  So a big shout out to Mom:  Thanks for all you did for us this week!!

Rachel has returned from her first week of camp.  This was her first trip by herself, too.  No family around for a whole week.  She had a ball and came home so tan that she looks almost as if she went crazy with a bottle of spray tanner.  She is darker now than Matt… I sent her to camp with two disposable cameras.  I will be having those developed this week and we can hopefully get a deeper glimpse into her adventure.  Can’t wait!

My hubby has ordered a book for me that I requested.  I am not the reader that he is, by any stretch, but I am very intrigued by this book.  It’s called “Dating Jesus” and is authored by Susan Campbell, a feminist journalist.  Following is a synopsis:

By the age of twelve, Susan Campbell had been flirting with Jesus for some time, and in her mind, Jesus had been flirting back. Why wouldn’t he? She went to his house three times a week, sat in his living room, listened to his stories, loudly and lustily sang songs to him. So, one Sunday morning, she walked to the front of her fundamentalist Christian church to profess her love for Jesus and be baptized. But from the moment her robe floated to the surface of the baptistry water, she began to question her fundamentalist faith. If baptism requires complete immersion underwater, what does it mean, if a piece of fabric attached to a would-be Christian floats to the top? Does the baptism still count?

 

In Dating Jesus, Campbell takes us into the world of fundamentalism-a world where details really, really matter-while wrestling with questions that would thwart any young woman intent on adhering to a literalist religion. If dancing isn’t permitted, what do you do when you’re voted part of the homecoming court? If instrumental music is prohibited inside the church, can a piano be played during your wedding? For a while, Campbell diligently plays by the gender-restrictive rules. She knocks on doors for Jesus rather than preach from the pulpit; diligently guards her chastity, refusing even to date; and memorizes long fragments from the Bible. But her questions continue to surface, and when dogmatic answers from her Bible teachers, family, and congregational fellows confirm that women will never be allowed a seat at the throne, her faith begins to erode.

 

After Campbell flees her church, she remains thirsty for an unwavering and compassionate faith she knows is out there, somewhere. To find it, she returns to the historical roots of religious movements, studies the works of early feminist thinkers and contemporary theologians, and rereads the Bible with the same fervor of her youth. Dating Jesus is a lovingly told tale of how one born-and-bred fundamentalist matured into a feminist while holding onto her sanity and sense of humor.

The children had just  returned from children’s church and the congregation was preparing for communion.  Before supper is served we take time to give back to God.  This is where we “pass the plate.”  Rachel had procured from her purse a few coins to put into the collection plate and, at the last-minute, Bekah noticed this.  She made a split decision to give her one and only dollar.  By the time she started looking for her purse the plate was at our pew. 

Bekah:  “Where’s my purse? Where’s my purse?  MOMMA, I CAN’T FIND MY PURSE!!!!!!!!!”

Me:  “Ssshhh.  It’s okay.”

Bekah, crying:  “I want to put in my dollar.”  Suddenly not crying, “Oh, here it is.  Wait for me, Momma!!!!”

Me, holding the collection plate:  “It’s ok, honey, I’m waiting.”

At this point Bekah opens her purse and pulls out a smaller, more elaborate purse.  As she opens that one I have visions of her pulling out smaller and smaller purses, kind of like the toys that nestle inside each other.  But no, out of the second purse she retrieves a very wrinkly dollar bill.  She very proudly places it into the plate that I am holding and smiles at me.

As I pass the plate to the usher I notice that all the people around us are barely containing themselves.  It is at this point that Bekah’s face falls, ever so slightly.  As I watch she reaches again for the smaller purse.  She opens it and looks inside.  Then she turns it toward me so that I can see into it.  It is empty and she says, “Now I don’t have any money left…”

I am at that point in the summer months where I’m over the vacation and ready for it to all get rolling again, but have half the summer left.  And that’s really saying something, too, since the “summer” gets shorter every year.  School starts this year on August 4th.  Yes, the 4th.  It’s not a typo.  I have begun collecting the items that are requested annually by the schools for the children to bring.  I’m not quite half way through the lists and have spent $31 so far.  I shall announce the final cost, as I intend to keep track.  It’s a source of distress for me and the year isn’t complete without my obsessing over the cost of school supplies.  I’ve told the girls that they must use their backpacks a second year this time.  That will save some money.  I will have to patch Rachel’s, though, because hers has a tiny hole in the bottom.  Maybe I’ll take it to Beebe with me Tuesday for Granny to have a look at…

I am an Air Force brat.  This means that I am accustomed to moving around.  We actually didn’t move as much as most AF families do but it was every 5 years or so.  In 13 years of marriage Matt and I have lived in 6 different “houses.”  This satisfied my gypsy tendencies, even if I wasn’t aware that they existed.  We have been in our current house for 5 years (which should put into perspective how frequently we moved there for a while).  I have gotten the itch to have a “new” situation lately.  It started a couple of months ago.  I thought about painting.  That makes for a nice change.  Then we went to CA for vacation and we talked briefly about the idea of moving there.  It was never a serious discussion, but it was enough to make that itch nearly unbearable.  Currently, Matt has a job application out there waiting to be acknowledged.  If he were to get this job, we’d both be driving across the region to our jobs.  We’ve talked about moving to Olive Branch if that happens.  We’ve even had conversations with realtor friends of ours about the possibility of renting out our house.  But still, this is a what-if scenario.  Back to the idea of painting.  In a rather spontaneous burst of motivation I chose a new color scheme for my kitchen/dining room/hallway and began painting.  I painted for 10 hours yesterday.  I am sore.  I am half-finished.  I am happy with the results.  I now have to figure out how I am going to finish with 3 little people running around (they were out-of-town yesterday).  Ugh…

I am looking very forward to beginning school in earnest this fall.  I will be taking two courses: Hematology II with a lab, and a 1 hour course on laboratory practices.  I am ready to get this show on the road!!  I am finding that I do have quite a bit of free time, as I am usually unable to go to bed before about 2 am on the nights I don’t work.  That time will be for school work since I usually end up taking a nap in the afternoon while Jackson sleeps.  All in all, it will be a good system, I think.

The annual July 4th get-together is in full swing for the Grogan clan in Beebe, AR.  There have been several times when the family has chartered a pontoon boat on Greers Ferry Lake and spent a day in revelry.  I have always missed this due to work.  I have the chance to be a part of it for the first time this year, however work is interfering.  I will be working overnight Monday night.  When I leave work I will go home, grab my stuff and jump in the van for the 3 hour drive to Beebe.  Tuesday is pontoon day.  If I go to the lake I will be awake for upwards of 24 hours.  I’m not sure that’s in my best interest or that of the people who will be on the roadways that I drive on the way home from the lake…we shall see.

And finally, I will end up going a week without seeing my husband this week.  We are doing a kid-switch for the holiday since I have to work.  He took the children to Beebe on Friday and will be coming home Monday sometime to prepare to head back to work on Tuesday.  I will be leaving after I get home from work Tuesday morning to head to Beebe until Friday.  We are very unaccustomed to time apart and it is already bugging me.  I am looking forward to time with the family, both Grogans and Wisdoms, but I wanna be with my man!

Stay tuned for the vacation post!!  I wanna wait until I have pictures to illustrate with!